Something interesting happens as you are approaching your own death, people suddenly think that you have gained wisdom. They ask you questions and wait for something profound to come from your mouth or keyboard. Has this act of dying suddenly made me wise? No, I don’t think it has, but what it has done is it has given me the gift of clarity. Suddenly I am able to see through the haze of all the things that don't matter, something that was so hard to do through most of my life. Suddenly I can see, and understand what is important, what really matters, which in some ways can give the impression that I am wise.
I have a counsellor named Gord who visits me every other week. He is a quiet, gentle and wise man. He is a counsellor connected with some of the nearby Hospices. He has been asked to speak to an area Men’s Group, and he has been asked to share what wisdom the men in his Palliative Care Ministry would share with this group of men based on their current and life experiences. What follows is my reply to Gord about his question to me.
It can happen to you. I think we all wander through life feeling we are somewhat invincible. I was in good shape, loving my retirement, living my best life when suddenly the trap door under me opened and the world I knew was suddenly gone forever. So next time you drive by that cancer hospital, see that disabled person struggling, visit that dying friend in the hospital, pause for a second and realize that that person could be you…..I hope it never is, but it could be.
Stop putting everything off until tomorrow because sometimes tomorrow doesn’t come. My wife and I had planned adventures but put them off as we had moved to our dream property and got busy there. I feel badly that I didn’t give her some of those dream vacations because she deserved them, but I just thought we had more time. Even after getting my terminal diagnosis we got busy taking care of things to prepare for what was coming, and I missed the chance to travel before my illness took the opportunity for travel away from me, from us.
Life isn’t about collecting “things”, life is about loving, making memories, helping others, pursuing happiness and just maybe leaving the world a little better than you found it. All the money in the world can’t save me, but somehow as I journeyed through life I managed to collect a menagerie of the best friends one could ever ask for. Walking the road toward your impending demise can be a lonely and scary path on your own, but continually I find one of my friends there beside me, they don’t even have to say anything, the comfort comes from just finding them by my side. So I hope that you have been a good friend, because those that have good friends tend to be good friends themselves.
Time is very valuable but sadly we tend not to be aware of that until our Time is running out. These days life seems to be lived at a super fast pace, which can be dangerous because all that Time we are hanging on for dear life, our life is passing us by. Children grow up, friends move away or die, our health gets stolen away from us and we come to the end of our life without ever having lived. Take it from someone who’s Time is running out, Time is more valuable than all those things you think you want or need. When people are interviewed near the end of their life the thing they wish for more of isn’t money or things, it is more Time. Once Time is gone you can’t get it back, so spend your Time wisely, very wisely.
I hope that you have a great spouse, partner, significant other, or whatever you might call them. I am very lucky because I have the best wife of all time, I already knew she was great, but when my illness moved in with us she surpassed, and continues to surpass all my expectations. I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for her, she saves my life every day. She manages to wring little bits of joy out of this small fraction of a life that remains, and she does it every single day for me. Prior to diagnosis we were a very happy couple, but struggling through this illness has brought us to a level of love I never knew existed before. I hope that if you ever find yourself confronted with a serious illness that you have a partner like mine. A partner that loves you, shows you kindness and compassion, and is your rock to steady you when you stumble on your journey. I also hope that you recognize although you may have the terminal disease, both of you share it completely. The very small life I live is also lived by my wife, she can’t travel, she can only leave our home for short periods because of my care needs, in her caring for me she has had to do things no one should have to do for their spouse. She has no days off because she is caring for me 24/7, and somehow through all the exhaustion, unpleasant tasks and tears she continually shows so much love for me, despite how unlovable I may feel I am. If you are visiting someone with a terminal illness don’t just check on them. Take the time to check in on the caretaker, they are often forgotten about but carry such a heavy burden.
Say the things that need to be said, because one day you, or the person you should have said those things to may be gone, and the things that needed to be said will then forever remain unsaid. Tell people you love them and that you are grateful that they are in your life. Don’t cling to grudges or old hurts, they are only stealing joy away from you. How many of us have lost someone and regretted not telling them how we felt? I know I certainly have lost dear close friends and family members before I said the things I should have said to them.
I went out of my way to speak to numerous widows and widowers who had lost their partner to a terminal illness. I asked each of them about the aftermath, the time after their partner had died, and asked them what went well and what do they wish they had done differently. I have tried to learn from others who have travelled this road, I want to make things as easy as I can for my wife and daughter afterwards. It is sort of the final gift that I can give. So if you don’t have your affairs in order, terminal illness or not, get them in order, Ensure your Will is up to date, that people know your wishes, and maybe even make your own funeral arrangements for yourself, it is a burden you can relieve your loved ones of during a time when they will be struggling.
Do nice things for people, they don’t have to be huge things, sometimes the smallest of kindnesses can turn someone else’s day around. Kindness costs you little if anything, but it pays huge dividends. I can guarantee that kindness is the best investment you can make.
Be grateful for everything. Gratitude is a core ingredient of happiness. Even when something bad happens, don’t just focus on the bad thing, look around because there is good there too, it’s just harder to find. My terminal illness has brought many amazing people into my life, brought countless acts of kindness to my wife and I, made me so appreciative of what I have, and made me feel so much love from my wife, daughter and friends. I know this sounds a bit crazy, but this dying man is very lucky in so very many ways.
At the end of every day as you lay down to sleep, pause for a minute or two and think that maybe you might not wake up tomorrow, and if that happened would you be happy with how you lived your life, spent your last day? If the answer is no, then start making the changes you need to make, so that at the end of every day you can say yes, you led a good life, you spent your day well and you can rest peacefully knowing that you have lived well.